To Do Inappropriate Things at Inappropriate Times.
Recently, an idea that has been engulfing me for the past year became more and more clear to my mind, like the deep subtle waves finally have the chance to release their violence on the surface of the sea. I am officially and seriously considering the option of studying abroad at Nepal for Buddhist philosophy either for summer or the fall semester during my junior year.
When I was first doing research on study abroad programs, I saw Nepal and thought it was a cool one. But I considered myself a social being, and living in an isolating life without much Internet and peer support is unimaginable. Of course not this one, I knew it for sure. So I applied for UCL and decided to go to a lively city filled with vibrant British accents. But have I ever succeeded in erasing that crazy idea from my mind? Since I've set my feet on Buddhism (the final paper I wrote for my freshman philosophy class is "Nietzsche and Buddhism"), I've never stop thinking about Buddhist ideas. I was drawn to it, at the faintest degree, sensing the most subtle peace and liberation. For once in a long time, I felt my vivid childhood again, with infinite creativity coming back to my hands. I didn't give much thought to this feeling, or rather did not observe my emotions close enough. I let the idea go and let it flow because I considered it impossible. I comfortably let it float in the water. Venture out, venture out, I say.
How amazingly things come back to you. After my spontaneous visit to Cambodia with my family, I could not forget the beautiful temples I have seen and the history they carry. Walking through the ancient doors, I found myself tirelessly exploring every facet of the temples, the sculptures, the paintings, and the inherited culture from 8th century. Then as I picked up Nietzsche again in Philosophy of Existence, I immersed myself with the idea of the overman, of walking on a rope not looking back and not looking down. I saw the parallel between Nietzsche and Buddhism becoming clearer and clearer, the attitude of affirmation. The art Hinduism and Buddhism brings, and the ideas Existentialism describes, all merge into a unity in my mind, yet I cannot articulate it. On a personal level, I am drawn to it because I feel as a repressed product of civilization as Freud believes. I seek liberation but I am trapped at the same time - by what I am not sure about. The society? Myself? The idea of liberation? As I struggle to find the answer between myself and reality, I lose myself but hold myself back again and again. There is no way out of this puzzle, for it is circular, running infinitely since what matters is just how many repetitions I can handle. I am always chasing something, and something is always pushing me to chase it. It is a forced flow, with unwillingness, I trace the tides washing shores every day and night, with a spherical horizon extending in the back.
Teach me the overman, I say. Give me the courage to abandon this circular and small fragmented amplified linear lines. Let me do inappropriate things at inappropriate times, at least there is a chance to make something feel right, and who knows where it collides - some incidental truths or momentary peace. So here I am, listening to my heart, looking back at my journey (if you called this karma), and following the pulse that draws me closer and closer to this place, not necessarily Nepal but somewhere I call it 安心 (peace heart, literal translation). Although I am not sure exactly where it is, I allow myself to flow with the waves to reach where que sera sera.